war between good and evil

I went to the doctor the other day because I woke up with a really bad pain at the back of my right knee. It turned out to be the gout. That was what the doctor said and it made perfect sense. What didn’t make perfect sense was the conversation I had with him after we’d worked out my problem and the treatment. He asked me what I did for a job and I told him that I research the genetics and biology of aging. Then he told me that humans used to live to 300, before the war. What war was that? The great war. Yes go on. The war between Good and Evil. Aaah. That one.

I think he was Hindu. Apparently we also used to be 8-9 feet tall. Back then.

If I have anything else wrong with me, anything minor, I’ll be back to him. I want to find out more about this.

aging sucks

In elderly men it may take from 10 seconds to several minutes to get an erection, in contrast to 3-5 seconds in young men. But worst of all, ejaculatory distance is reduced from 12-24 inches to 3-5 inches.

first love- B3TA

B3TA.com is a great website. It had the (I think) classic postings for the topic "Dad Jokes"; jokes or sayings your Dad liked to make. It recently had one which was "First Love". Here is one:
hang on a minute
My first girlfriend was called Susan. I met her in the playground near where I lived, I was about seven years old and was fascinated by some magazines she had tucked inside her coat which had pictures of people having sex – we both found these hilarious and sat in the woods behind the park giggling at them for ages.

She was very tall and had a deep voice, to be honest not very attractive and frankly her coat smelt a bit funny. But at least she introduced me to the world of sex at a young age.

Sex wasn’t quite what I was expecting, it was rather a one-way process and I found it a bit uncomfortable to say the least.

To be perfectly honest, upon reflection I am beginning to call into question my interpretation of the entire event.
.
(Soapy Norris, Mon 24 Oct 2005, 16:27 )


Chortle.

Some entries for the Dad joke QOTW:

oh just remembered....
sorry yes my old papa does have a crappy joke. ive suffered 20years of this.....

Me, my brother or sister: "Dad where's Mum".
Dad: "run off with a black man".

jesus pissing christ this is so not funny.
(rodeopig, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 16:59 )

And...

kill me now
My Dad is a veritable fountain of crap jokes, crap sayings and crap poems. He's also faintly racist in that naive kind of way that only the post WW2 generation can be.
Some examples -
1.Upon hearing someone in a bar/restaurant dropping glasses or crockery -
"Sack the juggler!"

2. If someone in the room coughs -
"It's not the cough that carries you off
it's the coffin they carry you off in".

3. If out on a drive and he sees a hill (very frequent this one, he lives in Scotland) -
"On yonder hill there stood a coo,
it moved awa' it's no there noo".

4. If one is ever stupid enough, on getting past him in the hallway for instance, to utter the polite request "excuse me please" -
He will promptly lock you in a bear hug shouting "I thought you said SQUEEZE ME".

5. Upon sighting anyone of dark skinned ethnic origin -"Oooh, somebody's overdone it on the sun bed".

6.Anywhere with stuffed and mounted animal heads (lots of hotels in Scotland with deer heads above the fireplace) -
"It must have been going a helluva lick when it hit that wall!".

I love him but he's a pain in the arse.

I've been a father myself for over 18 years now, I've done my utmost not to turn into him. But - can I walk past a fishtank in a restaurant without pointing at the biggest and saying "I'll have that one"?
Can I like fu ck.
(The Pink Strat Copy, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 10:21 )

meat

When I lived in Archway in London, I used to like to get a feed of steak every so often so I wouldn't forget. One time I went to a butchers on Junction Road and asked him to cut me a t-bone steak. In Australia they usually have them pre-cut in the display, but they're pricey in Britain. So he grabbed a large lump of meat and placed the knife on it to ask me how thick I'd like it. A bit more...... bit more... that'll do. Then he asked how many people it was for. "Just me" I said. "You greedy swine!" he replied.
Cost 7 pounds. That's service.

quotes

As far as quote-makers go, for numbers it's just about gotta be Gandhi. I guess it cold be Shakespeare, or the guy they think wrote his plays.

To digress, "Scholars have always been puzzled as to how Shakespeare wrote plays requiring detailed geographical and political knowledge and advanced skills in reading Latin, Greek, French, Spanish and Italian sources, yet ceased his formal education at age 12.":
http://www.theage.com.au/news/arts/unmasked-the-real-shakespeare/2005/10/05/1128191785837.html

OK, back on topic. I like this one of Gandhi's

"Seven Blunders of the World"

• 1. Wealth without work
• 2. Pleasure without conscience
• 3. Knowledge without character
• 4. Commerce without morality
• 5. Science without humanity
• 6. Worship without sacrifice
• 7. Politics without principle

And he had a sense of humour. Asked what he thought of Western civilization, he replied
"I think it would be a good idea."

Mind you, when he saw the following scene from the movie Bad Santa, he barely raised a snigger. Apparently.
Kid: Your beard's not real.
Willie: It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.
Kid: How come?
Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
Kid: Mrs. Claus?
Willie: Actually it was her sister.

AFP sacrifices drug couriers

so it appear that the Australian Federal Police sent a letter shopping the Bali 9 to the Indonesian police, effectively sentencing to a likely death. From The Age (26/10/05):

It was a crime not yet committed but with terrible consequences if it was discovered in Indonesia: the death penalty.

Yet on April 8, the Australian Federal Police wrote to their Indonesian counterparts outlining in extraordinary detail what would take place.

They named the alleged ringleader, Andrew Chan. And they told the Indonesians: "If you suspect Chan and/or the couriers are carrying drugs at the time of their departure, please take whatever action you deem necessary."

Given that Australia opposes the death penalty, this is, well, remarkable. Why not pick them up when they re-enter Australia if the AFP were able to track them so well? Poor dumb 28 year-old Renee Lawrence ( and the other hapless couriers) may, instead of serving 10 years or so in an Australian jail, have her life ended when court-ordered bullets tear through her heart and brain in Indonesia.